The New (Unwanted) Me

If you follow me on Instagram or have seen my previous post, you will be aware that I spent a week in hospital at the end of January thanks to slipped discs in my spine. Well this is a bit of an update/getting things off my chest post relating to that. If you want to read the back story of what happened you can find it HERE

I’ve now been out of hospital for well over a month and I’m still struggling a lot. I left hospital still barely able to walk and the pain was quite literally uncontrollable.

Such a beautiful picture! But this is my reality now (in normal clothes not a hospital gown and slightly better looking hair).

I’ve been back and forth to the doctor’s so much that even the toddler has started asking if that’s where we’re going when we head out the door. I started this New Year saying “I won’t be changing anything” and now, I wish I could change everything.

I have good days and bad days like I always have but my good days now are more like my old bad days. The pain is constant, there is no let up, even with taking 16 pills a day (which is increasing week on week). The pain moves too so I never know what I’m going to get, some days it can be centralised in the middle of my back where the problem is situated and other days it can be like a cramp in my bum cheeks or down one or both legs. I have the cramp pain today, all down my left leg and in my hip joint.

I’m constantly tired, living on caffeine but most of the time I have 0 energy and when I get like that I have 0 patience either. It’s thanks to a mix between the chronic pain and the medication. One of the tablets I’m on is Gabapentin, a nerve blocker that’s used to treat Epilepsy and Fibromyalgia. It’s main side effect is tiredness and I’m still increasing my dosage on this as it has to be done slowly so I’m like a zombie by lunch time. Yesterday my other half popped to town and picked up some CBD Oil as we’ve seen a lot about it on social media lately and at the moment, I’m willing to try anything!

First off, it tastes awful! It’s meant to work within 20 minutes but I can’t say it’s done anything for me so far. I’m going to keep trying and upping the dose but I don’t think I’m going to get the “miracle” effects that I’ve read so much about.

I am now on crutches all the time and I can’t leave the house without them (I wouldn’t even make it to the car if I did try!). I manage to get around at home without them or by just using one as I don’t exactly have far to go to get anywhere but I feel confined to home. I can’t go anywhere or do anything, if I push myself too far, I pay for it.

I managed to finally get back to work last week which has made me feel more normal again but I struggle with that as it hurts to sit for 6 hours straight. My Boss has bought me a specialist chair which helps and I get up and move about as often as I can but I’m knackered by the end of the day.

We have yearly passes for our local zoo and a couple of weeks ago I decided it would be a good idea for us to go as I needed to get some fresh air and stretch my legs a bit. We barely made it half way around and I just wanted to cry through pain. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid about going round the whole thing twice.

This week was my birthday and we have a little tradition of going for breakfast but because of the snow we couldn’t get to our usual eatery but we have a Toby Carvery 300 metres from our house. As much as I hate snow, I love food more, I was feeling ok and it was so powdery that it was an easy walk there and back. I have spent the last 3 days paying for that. It has crippled me again, my hip has been out to the side and I’m hunched over, I look like Quasimodo if I’m trying to move without my crutches.

I’m trying so hard to carry on like normal but to be quite honest, I’m dying inside. I just want to be normal again and I’m finding it so hard to come to terms with the fact that this is now my normal. I’m in tears pretty much daily but I’m not depressed, I’m frustrated. I just want to be able to get on with my daily routines, go shopping, take my children out, but I can’t. I’m fed up of feeling like I’m being starred at when I do go out for using crutches when clearly I haven’t got a broken leg. I don’t look like I’m in pain because I make it look that way. Everyone puts on a brave face at times and I’m no different.

The main thing that keeps me going is knowing that there are people out there worse off than me. As horrible as it is, it’s so nice to talk to people that are in a similar situation as it makes you feel less alone and isolated.

I’m waiting to receive a letter from a spine specialist soon to see if there is anything they can do but I’m not holding out much hope. I’m trying my best to keep my positive head on but it’s hard on days like today. I feel better for writing it down and having a good cry though.

If you are going through something similar and need to/would like to talk then please message me either on here or via email. I’m always happy to chat and it really does help to take your mind off things.

Thanks for reading